


I Have My Reasons

by west_haven



Category: The Last of Us
Genre: F/F, after American Dreams, before Left Behind
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-02-27
Updated: 2014-02-27
Packaged: 2018-01-14 00:04:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1245313
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/west_haven/pseuds/west_haven
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>When Riley started to fall for her best friend, she was torn between love and her dreams. Set before Left Behind and after American Dreams.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I Have My Reasons

It had been months since we first met over a stolen walkman and the times had really changed. We listen to that same walkman now, one earbud each, as we shared music with each other.

Inevitably, I would make fun of a song Ellie liked, who would would then try to defend it. I couldn't help but laugh at her expressions as she tried to make me like the same songs as her.

We spent so much time with each other but we loved it. Our nights at the mall became the main reason why I snuck out. Ellie's face would light up when we discovered something new; I started going through great lengths to make her eyes light up like that again and again.

One night, we were sitting on top of the mall. The whole world felt like it was spread out before us and it looked like Ellie couldn't be happier. Our feet kicked over the side and I had told her to be careful.

"I'm not falling off until I see the sunrise."

I snorted. "Okay, I give you full permission to fall after that."

Ellie just grinned at me and then her eyes went back to the skyline.

I wanted to see the sunrise too but as it came up, I found myself looking at Ellie instead. Her jaw began to drop and her face lit up with the light of the sun. Her eyes went wide and the biggest, awe-induced smile crawled over her features.

She was so beautiful.

I almost jumped when that thought struck me. Where did that come from? I mean, sure Ellie was cute, but beautiful?

Then I saw the grin on Ellie's face somehow got wider and her eyes were drinking up the sun like it was going to disappear later.

Shit. Yeah, she is pretty beautiful. I felt my face mirror her smile but it wasn't because of the sun.

\---

My realization was something I tried to come to terms with. There was a lot of emotions involved, what with falling for your best friend. It kept me up on the nights we didn't go out because I was trying to rationalize why I wasn't actually in love with her.

It was hard to come up with reasons I wasn't, but boy, was it easy to come up with all the reasons I was.

I closed my eyes and those reasons began to bubble up in my thoughts.

Ellie's smile were reasons one through ten. Maybe I wasn't in love with her; I was totally just in love with her smile. Her eyes took the next spot, as they could easily flash with anger or with excitement. In my mind, I could see her face, all the way down to that scar on her eyebrow. They all were reasons to love her.

As I was coming up with even more reasons, I began to fall asleep.

In my dream, Ellie was dancing. Terribly, I may add. I laughed and joined her, my hands grasping at hers. We were dancing and the sun was casting its beautiful light on her face and that's when I couldn't help myself.

I pulled her towards me and kissed her. Her hands twitched at my back, but then they pulled me closer to her. My fingers tangled in her hair and I could feel a grin on her lips.

Her body against mine felt as warm as the sun and I couldn't get her close enough to me. This felt so right. She began to pull away and my lips tried to follow hers. Ellie started to giggle as I peppered more kisses on her smiling face.

"Riley, you're crazy."

"Crazy for you."

"Sap."

"Shut up."

Her mouth twitched into a smirk and she raised one eyebrow at me. I saw her words written on her face: 'make me'.

I started to lean in for another kiss when, as if on cue, I woke up.

I gasped as I jolted up. The dream was leaking out of my mind already and I didn't want it to. I was so surprised at how much I wanted to live that dream.

How could one person make me feel this way? Before Ellie, I was tough and I had a dream to be a Firefly. But now, I could feel myself losing that side of myself.

That scared me more than anything, so starting that morning, I was dead set on finding Marlene again. When I'm a Firefly, things will feel right again. At least, that's what I believed.

\---

The next time I saw Ellie, I felt nervous because of my dream. I was glad she couldn't read my thoughts because I'd look at her and see myself kissing her.

"What's wrong?" She looked at me, concern set in her eyes. We were sitting in her room and we were listening to one of her shitty tapes.

"I, uh." Please stop looking at me, I thought wildly. I'm not worth it, I'm not right for you.

Ellie huffed a laugh. "Oh man, the look on your face is beyond silly."

"S-stomach. Ache?" I breathed out and she laughed harder.

"Whatever, silly. That's your new name now, by the way."

I finally found my words again, so I replied. "Yeah, I was getting tired of the name Riley anyway, so thank you."

"Anytime!"

"Now, I... have something for you." Instantly she sat up and leaned closer to me.

"Spaceship?"

"Ugh, Ellie, no. Sorry, it's not as cool, but I hope you'll still like it."

She pursed her lips and pouted dramatically. "Well, since it's from you....."

My mouth went dry as I reached for my bag and fished out a new cassette tape.

"Oh no fuckin' way!! More music??!" Ellie jumped and almost knocked me off the bed with her enthusiasm. She tried to grab it out of my hand but I just pulled it out of her reach. As she reached, she moved in dangerously close to me. My dream flared up again in my mind and I could feel my face turning red.

"It's... for you. Wanna listen to it?"

"Of course!!" She dove for her walkman and presented it to me in a flash. I handed her the tape and she settled back next to me. We were squashed in her bed, sitting close so we could share the earbuds. Oh god, why did I choose a bunch of love songs on this tape?

The first song began playing and I watched Ellie for her reaction. Her eyes were closed and it looked like she was trying to absorb the music.

And then her hand lightly trailed over mine. A dreamy smile was permanently set on her face as she slowly gripped my fingers. My heart skipped a few beats and it took all my strength to actually squeeze her hand back.

All too soon, the tape was over and she just still lying there with her eyes shut. I thought she was asleep so I gently tried to get up. I went to pull my hand out of her grasp, but she resisted. Her eyes fluttered open and she sat up too.

"You didn't fall asleep, did you?" I tried to joke.

"No, I just.... wow, I really liked that tape."

"Did...." My voice died right in my mouth, so I cleared my throat and tried again. "Did you really?"

"Why wouldn't I?" She replied simply. She didn't know how hard this was for me.

There was nothing I wanted to do more than to kiss her. Ellie was so close, it would have been so easy.

"I, um." I awkwardly wiggled my hand out of hers. "I need to go."

The crushed look on her face killed me, but I still walked out that door. "Riley!!"

She ran out the door after me and called my name again. I turned slowly and her eyes widened. I guess she could see how conflicted I was.

"It's...." She bit her lip a little and sighed. "It's okay."

If only it was. I mumbled out an apology and continued running.

\---

The next time I saw her, my mind was made up. I had to go see how the Fireflies would pan out; I couldn't give up on that so easily. I wanted to at least try to protect people, to stop kids from having to kill their parents like I had to. I couldn't do that while I was with Ellie, as much as I didn't want to admit it.

Maybe she'll understand someday, but dreams are not easy to let go of, even for a person you love.

I nervously looked at her and saw that she looked uneasy too. This isn't going to be easy, doing this.

"Alright, so. Ellie...." I tried to begin.

"What's wrong?"

Here we go. I got the idea to make her hate me before I left, so it wouldn't be hard for either of us. Now I just have to put that into action.

"I just.... I hate to say this, but I just... can't stand you."

Instantly, Ellie's face dropped, like the strings holding up her smile were suddenly cut.

"Wh--what do you mean?"

I steeled myself and continued. "You're such a kid. You're always fo--" I took a deep breath. "You follow me around constantly and it's really.... it's really cramping my style."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"I'm not interested in your friendship any more." Finishing blow.

Here was a side of Ellie I hadn't seen before. The happiness in her eyes were gone and she looked like she was a second away from crying.

I couldn't stand it, so I turned and started toward the door.

"I'm sor--" I couldn't even get the words out. I walked out the door and then as I started running down the hallway, I heard a loud crash from her room, like the thew something.

I really didn't deserve her now.

\---

The pendant was heavy in my hands, like it weighed way more than it actually did. I rubbed my fingers over the name on it-- my name. I couldn't believe it. It took me almost two months, but I did it.

But why don't I feel any better?

I feel like dying for the things I said to Ellie. They were all lies, of course. But I felt like I was being torn into two very different directions. One was with the Fireflies, where I would fight and die to protect people like her. And of course, Fireflies didn't have girlfriends.

The other direction was casting away my dreams and being with her. I was scared to ask myself if she was worth turning my back on my lifelong goals; deep down, I knew without a doubt that she was.

I put my new necklace back on and concentrated on sneaking back into Ellie's dorm. I had to see her even though I had no right to even be near her ever again. God, how could I say those terrible things to her?

The door of her room opened with hardly a sound and I lightly stepped inside. When I saw her, I instantly felt relieved. She looked so peaceful while sleeping and I hated to disturb her.

It was inappropriate, that's for sure, but I couldn't help but want to try to patch things up with a joke. So I leaned over her, started to make a snarling noise, and then lightly bit her neck.

I instantly regretted it when she immediately pushed me off and pointed her knife at me. I tried to play it off with a laugh, but when she said my name with disbelief, it took me out of the joking mood.

She just looked at me, hurt still in her eyes and the knife still pointed at me.

"You're not gonna kill me, are you?" It sounded like a joke, but I actually was afraid that she would stab me.

Understandably, she was pissed with me.

"All this time... I thought you were dead."

At first I couldn't speak, so I just weakly nodded. I hate so much that I hurt her like this.

"Here," I took off my Firefly pendant and handed it to her.

"No way...." She flipped it over and saw my name. "You're a Firefly."

I tried to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal, so I walked around her room. On her wall, a picture of us was still hanging. We looked so happy. Why did I have to screw it all up?

Ellie peeked out the door and I had to calm her down and let her know I was being careful. She just huffed at me and tried to give me back the necklace. When she pressed it back into my hand, I held onto hers longer even though she tried to jerk it back.

"Hey.... are we cool?"

"Are we cool?" She scoffed and yanked her hand out of mine. My heart broke with how she looked at me.

If only I could just tell her how scared I was, how I was afraid to lose her. My adoration for her was bigger than me and it scared me so much. Hell, it could have been love if I didn't go and screw things up.

I wanted to talk to her so badly, but with that glare of distrust in her beautiful eyes, I couldn't even start now. I was going to make it up to her.

We'll go out and I'll see what I can do. If our relationship is completely broken, I'd just go back to the Fireflies and try to forget her.

But if it wasn't too late, I thought with hope. I'll fight like hell to keep her.

I'll make things up to her somehow. I'll die trying to make things right.

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I was really inspired by one interview where Neil Druckmann said that they discussed the falling out of Riley and Ellie, and he said: "Now, the nature of the falling out—I had discussions with the actors about what if there was a time where maybe they got a little intimate and Riley saw it as a way of giving up her dreams, so she lashed out. She took all her frustrations about not being able to join the Fireflies and find her purpose in this world and just lashed out at Ellie and disappeared."
> 
> And thus, this fic was born.
> 
> ** Link to interview: http://www.wired.com/underwire/2014/02/last-of-us-dlc-interview-long/


End file.
